So, here I am. Back again. Thanks to Matt for keeping xanga alive. Cheers to you.

I don't even know what to write. Here I am trying to start something up again, without even knowing where the beginning is. Am I completely hopeless?

So, things have gotten better. Maybe it's because we spent many hours together, but maybe not. Maybe it's because we sort of talked about it, and I let him know that I didn't want to be the biggest mistake he's ever made. Maybe I'm just clueless.

One thing I know though, is that things are always changing. Things are never staying still, never staying in one place. You just have to enjoy yourself. Right now. I guess that's one thing he is kind of teaching me. He's letting me be me while going through this growing up process, but he still doesn't mind hanging out with me, and just letting me do it.

It's really important that I keep this in perspective though. Really important that I don't get ahead of myself. Let's just try and keep it fun.

Shall we Cassie?

The next adventure of Cassie

I hate the way one thing can bring you down, despite how great a time you may think you're having. I hate being able to be influenced so much by things outside of my control. It's terrible the way you can control me so much, and you probably don't give a fuck about me. It's not that I'm mad at you, and we all know the next time I see you, I'll just melt once more, but I wish this wasn't the case. Fuck fuck fucking fuck. I don't even wanna go and play soccer tomorrow. I don't want you to mention it, or bring it up, or apologize. I don't want you to try and make it up to me, or prove once more how much of a gentleman you can be. I want you to get over it. I want to get over it.

God, I have to get over this shit.

So what if I fucked you in the back seat of your car, and at the beach, and sucked your dick. So fucking what?

That's probably what I need to figure out...

Have you heard the song entitled, You get what you give, by New Radicals? Amazing song. You should listen to it, if you haven't. And if you have, you should listen to it again. It's amazing, but silly. I like it. I have a myspace now, (what a shock) and it is the song that plays on my profile. You can listen to it there. My myspace is http://www.myspace.com/74181848 

Go check it out. (I sound like I am promoting the band) I hope you like it. It works really well for me right now. It kinda goes along with the wave of my current situation. I think...

Anywho. I bought new cleats. Or I should say my father bought me some new cleats. I don't know why, they are weird looking, and have awkward, non-circular, bright red cleats, but I still chose them. I have absolutely no idea why, but I kept on trying to come up with a legitimate reason not to choose them. Despite my most tenatious efforts, they still felt like the ones for me. So I bought them, with the idea in my head that they were already mine. They were on sale, and the only ones on sale in my size, and the only ones that were red (which my mother had requested apon entering the store that I buy ones with red cleats) so they were very obviously the correct choice. Also, they are quite comfortable, I might add. I get to begin the process of breaking them in for the first time tomorrow. Can you say EXCITING?

Today, still, I love soccer.

 The next adventure of Cassie

So, it has been forever and a day. I'm sure no one is actually going to read this, but like my friend said, it's my journal, for me. Why haven't I written anything down in here for so long?  What's new?

School. School is new. I am playing soccer. And taking a math class, and a writing class. I like them very much. They are enjoyable. Particularly soccer. I don't feel so tired, so restless, so lazy. I feel good about me. Better than I have in a long time. I can run. I can run! What an amazing feeling it is to be able to run without panting so hard I feel like my lung is going to collapse. Kicking the ball solidly. Slide tackling someone. Why did I ever stop? Soccer is amazing.

Like I have mentioned before, I have moved. Things are good. Things are going. Things are happening. Happening for me, happening because I am making them happen, instead of just wanting them to. I had an exciting Friday night last week. I took on a hiking adventure with a new friend, and laughed, and drove around and got excited. It was the best Friday night I've had in a while.

I got a job. I work at Motel 6. I work front desk. And, sometimes housekeeping, but mostly front desk. I don't mind the job. I don't mind working for the money. I get tired, but I really can't complain. I am proud of myself. I don't just sit around and watch t.v. anymore. I am making life happen, instead of watching it happen. It's the most exciting thing I have felt in a while. 

I love Cayucos, even when I hate it. Even when I miss Oxnard, and my old friends, and my old life, I love it. I work hard not to let Oxnard define me, or to let Oxnard be the life that I used to have that I am missing out on. Instead, I let Cayucos be what's next, my future, my newest adventure. It feels good to be so happy with where I am at in life. I may be alone, but I am still here, and it is still up to me. I love it.

Just do it. Just fucking do it. :)

That felt good. Thanks Friend.

The next advanture of Cassie